You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
