Umm I'm too high to move.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Someone signed my nipple.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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