Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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