She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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