my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
