I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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