So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
3pm strippers are depressing
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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