i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
