Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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