I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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