A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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