her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize