nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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