Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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