The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
