Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
