The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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