she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
