My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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