shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
