I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
