Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
