I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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