I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize