dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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