At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
