I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
