I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
