Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
