My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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