No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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