Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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