They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
