i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I think i got beer on your cat.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
