i wish starbucks made bloody marys
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
