Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
