I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
