what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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