He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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