Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
