Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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