In the future we'll all be gay
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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