someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
