i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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