I heard we made out
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
