He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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