just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Everything about him screamed your future.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
