The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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