Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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