shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
