I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
