seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
