duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
