remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
