Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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