So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
