well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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