dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
home. puking in laundry basket.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Two words: nipple clamps
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