I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Vodka?
Forever.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
