I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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